My Life

It’s amazing where we end up in life. Who we end up with. What ends up changing us, scaring us, making us happy. If I’ve learned one thing about life, it’s that it can be completely unpredictable.

Another half-filled bottle in the hand
It helps to kill the pain we don’t understand.
The liar speaks “Yeah, I’ll always love you,”
Then sleeps for dreams she never let come true-

All the dreams of me and you.

I trusted your wretched heart to be so sure,
I’d have staked my life on it, but I was wrong before…
Wrong again, and I won’t get lost in this lie,

I refuse the awkward “how are you?’s” and “I’m just fine’s.”

This is what happens when you love a lie.

Feel those pills in the palm of your hand?
Pass a few over, let me understand.
What was the point to even try,
When this love’s been proven to be a lie?
Your love’s a lie, a lie, a lie.

Her excuses pour from the lips I loved,

The lips I kissed, the lips of my beloved,

And I shake my head in disappointment.

“You had me at hello,” and lost me at goodbye,

So this is what happens when you fall in love with a lie,

this is what happens when you love and aren’t loved,

This is what happens when you give out chances undeserved.

I’m a great person, a great guy, a good heart,

And she’ll realize it, and regret, and want it back…

But I refuse to love a lie. I refuse to speak truth to a liar.

And I smile, because I am free. I am free. I am free. I am free.

Free from the pain, free from the lies, free from the excuses, free from the hurt,

free from the bloody stains on my white t-shirt,

Free from feeling unimportant, free from being kept a secret, free from being second-best,

Free from being priority “number one,” yet put under the rest.

Free from being blown off for dates, free from it all,

Sometimes to stand, we just need to fall.

So I will reach up, rip the lies off my wall,

And I will walk, rather than crawl,

Even after she knocks me on my knees.

Now I will stand, be strong for myself,

Say 8 chances is more than enough,

And smile. Cause I am free… I am free. I am free.

There is a sun in this world of darkness. I can’t wait to watch it shine.

I look toward my phone only to be disappointed. No messages, calls, nothing. I spent a night alone, in a car, driving around, thinking. Why can’t I turn my mind off and just forget? I look toward the bottle of whiskey, and hate that it looks so inviting on nights like these. Alone nights. Cold nights. Nights where you realize how alone you really can be, or are, perhaps. I look toward the ground, head hung in defeat, and feel a need replacing a want. To get away from the darkness, to get into the light, to find a balance and make the pain stop.

I wish I felt more important sometimes.

Go and get the gun
‘Cause it’s only getting worse
Go and fill it up
With silver bullets

‘Cause I can’t see the sun
But I know it’s gone away
And I can’t make you love me
And you can’t make me stay

Are there wolves at the door?
That you’re not supposed to let in
You can’t make me feel
What I’m not feeling

And I can’t see the sun
But I know it’s gone away
And I can’t make you love me
You can’t make me stay

How on earth did I get so jaded

How and why has the happiness faded

Where’s the one who can make me smile

Show me all the struggle’s gunna be worthwhile

Pull me outside into the pouring rain

Stare into my eyes and wash away the pain

I stare outside my bedroom window, into the darkness of the night. There are stars drifting through the sky, each of them moving in an identical path than the one they took the night before, or so it seems. If the universe is expanding, then do the stars not find a brand new path each night? Although the difference is minuscule, although it is nearly immeasurable and insignificant… There is one fundamental concept which is of the utmost importance to my life currently…

The path is different.

I only hope that as I travel as a lonely star through space, I find a way not to implode, to self destruct, to turn myself into a black hole. My fear is this new path will turn me into a never-ending hole of nothingness.

The faint glimmer of a light reflects off the tile of the kitchen floor. People are talking, laughing, and enjoying being social while taking shots of their liquid drug. She floats into the room, a paragon of elegance and composure. I watch as she flashes a subtle smile to the person she is talking to. Her teeth show briefly underneath her perfect lips.

I feel my blood flow for the first time in a half a year, like a statue revived after a sideways glance from Medusa, finally free to move, to feel, to be.

. . . .

I sit here staring at my pillowcase, and all I can see is you… A rose colored sunset dances throughout my mind, your face illuminated by it’s fire… And I eagerly await the day where our sun will rise; a sun which will never set, forever destined to bring light to our worlds. Our sun, our fire, our love.