My Life

Life continues in a wave of such unfamiliar progressions, so many situations arise with solutions which appear to be nonsensical, while even though many seem to be predictable, there are so many which can never be forseen.

I’m unsure what changes are taking place inside of myself, but I can say that I am focusing much less on the negative aspects to life, and rather redirecting my attention toward the good. Perhaps this change is temporary, but I’d be idiotic to welcome it with anything but open arms.

I don’t really make a lot of mistakes, at least mistakes regarding romance. I have. Be them small, or large, whether they are bigger, or smaller than hers, they are there. This is untracked territory, like some distant mountain, snow covered in the southern atmosphere, where I’m completely underdressed and drastically lost. Many would say mistakes in a relationship are relative to what the other person has done. Many would say this means I should not feel much sorrow, that this shows her how it feels, etc., but I believe this is naive and ignorant.

Regardless of her mistakes, which I will be the first to point out, I also made mistakes. The psychological pitfall to not making many mistakes is that when they arise, one is unsure how to deal with them. Perhaps they are so small that the relationship will ride over it, like speed bump in an endless parking lot of potential, for the other possibility is not one which my heart wishes to fathom.

Can two make so many combined mistakes, yet still come out on top? Well, I suppose that answer is obvious, is it not? Can a basketball team win after making many mistakes early on? Can a poker player win a hand after making a few bad plays? Yes, it is possible. It is, however, less likely and much more difficult.

I wonder if her mistakes have ceased to exist, or if she is still digging through his messages out of jealousy and some nostalgic longing for that which was never truly good in the first place. My heart pulls toward the former rather than the devastating alternative which rests next to it on this computer screen.

My mistakes have ended, though they were minor and simple to fix. So what it comes down to is… Can we be happy? I think so. I hope so. However, the conditions are fairly simple, yet paradoxically complex. The simplicity lies in the exterior of the situation, for what it means at face value- no more mistakes. The complexity lies in the interior, can she learn to let go of a past which prods her every move?

Is happiness the next unpredictable bend in the road, or will there be an accident before it is reached? I think I’m a good enough driver to take the risk, and I think she is too.

SO HAPPYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!

Where has all of the happy gone?

One shot, two shot, three shot, four,

One beer, two beer, three beer, more.

It doesn’t make the pain go away, does it? It doesn’t fix anything, does it?

What does one do when sleep provides nightmares, and reality is worse than a nightmare? What does one do when the dark walls of loneliness come crashing in around you, tightening up around your soft, delicate body?

Here I sit in hell, alone, burning. No one to talk to, no one to love, no one to lay with, no one to care. I am alone.

The house is oh so quiet, the neighborhood stands still,

The mind it hears nothing, but the rattle of a pill,

It is the pill of happiness, a pill to disappear,

It takes away your pain, and takes away your fear.

Really? No. Nothing makes this better, nothing changes the past, nothing makes someone care, nothing does anything anymore.

The world all spinning, there is where? Where is here?

This is that? All unclear.

Where has all the happy gone? Was it even there at all?

Have my legs stopped working? I guess it’s time to crawl.

I try to escape the emptiness within.

I fucking hate feeling. It’s all so miserable.

I grab a pair of glasses, they’re made to help me see,

but can they help me see, through this mist of misery?

I use them to look inside myself, but all I see’s a mystery.

Misery’s a mystery. Help me see, constantly, through this misery.

Give me strength, my love,

to do that which I must do.

Give me hope, my love,

That you still feel this too.

There is an ocean in my vision,

it flows so cold and blue,

Its waves crash around my body,

while I sit and think of you.

The waves are not small, my love,

they crash rather than just fall,

And they knock me over, my love,

I need your strength to crawl.

I must escape these dreadful waters,

As they move, they rise, they fall.

But as I look up at them,

They stand before me like a wall.

But walls can break, they fall, they crash.

And with your help I’ll miss it all,

Then let us stand, hand in hand,

As we watch it fall.

Let us watch it fall.

I saw her smile today, that girl of my dreams, and it looks just as I remembered it. How I have missed that smile…

One look from her penetrated my soul and showed me bliss only true love can bring, the joy unparalleled by any other, brought forth by one who loves and is loved with everything that they are. The nostalgia shoots like a gun throughout my body, rememberance of the past, the good, the perfect.

Nothing else matters, and no one else matters. Things which would have killed me before only make me laugh now. The triviality of emotional betrayal means nothing as I stare into the eyes of true love. I stare into it, and it stares back… That is perfection- to love and to be loved.

I feel alive; a complete turn-around from the suffocation I have been forced into for so long.

I hope this feeling lasts.

I am a bug,

Mosquito perhaps,

Entranced by the light

In front of my naive eyes.

Each time it whispers

In my trusting little ears,

“Come back to me,

This time will be so different.”

I am captivated,

So I fly to it,

With my trigger-happy wings,

And pain jolts through my body.

I flutter down,

Toward the ground,

Pain in my heart,

And I listen…

“Come back to me,

This time will be so different.”

And so my naive wings,

Take me back toward the light;

Will this time be different?

… I wish the decisions were easier. I wish the choices were obvious. I wish the people who are supposed to love you actually did, whether they be family, friends, or significant others. It all feels like such a let-down. When will the tides change? When will someone show me they love me and could care less what everyone else thinks? I need that someone… I need to feel loved by the person I love.