My Life

This will be my last post. I feel as if my writing has been progressively deteriorating throughout my time spent on this blog. In order to be a good writer, you have to practice good writing. This is not good writing. I feel as if my writing has begun to reflect my life; the same thing day, after day, after day. A repetitive life spawns repetitive thoughts, and repetitive thoughts breed repetitive writing. Every post contains the same theme, the same voice, even the same plot. It’s almost a punishment to sit back and watch yourself from an almost third person perspective as you fall apart. It’s the feeling of helplessness, and I don’t wish to put myself through it any longer.

My writing will continue, though it will be posted on here no longer. To all my readers, thank you. Hopefully in the future I will provide you with something far more impressive than a self-pitying, egocentric, heartless blog. Writing is who I am, whether that is good or bad, it is me. I must find the soul I wish to write with, and here is not the place to find it. At least not now.

Change is the very nature of the world, and I will embrace it in whatever form it chooses to come. Thank you for reading,

-Travis

The familiarity of my bed brings me happiness. I feel her body pressed softly against mine, sort of like a blanket wrapped around an infant quickly after it’s taken from the hospital. She is my blanket, my protection, and my comfort. She is my joy, my passion, and my life. She is my everything.

My fingers begin to tingle in the tips of my left hand. When did she think it would be a good idea to roll over and put all of her weight on my arm? I try to pull my arm away without her noticing. I try, as gently as possible, to slide my arm out from beneath her. Not too hard… Not too hard… She rolls over toward me, our faces inches apart and her weight slightly higher on my arm. Fuck, too hard. I give up.

I can see the drool still hanging from the ends of her mouth. I’m sure that on the other side of her head sits a small puddle of human saliva, possibly large enough to legally be considered a pond, drowning my pillow. Her breath on my face makes me feel uncomfortable. It’s hot enough in this damn bed without her breathing all over my face. I hope she’s been eating healthy, I really don’t want to break out.

I try to roll over to avoid any further discomfort. The lower half of my body twists but my upper half stays locked in place. I seemed to forget I had been pressed against the very end of the bed since we started “cuddling.” The top half of my body is locked in place thanks to the arm which has turned numb and been forgotten about. I look over her body and see at least two and a half feet of space. I feel with my open hand the quarter inch on mine.

Okay, I can’t do this… I take my free hand and place it on her shoulder. I try, as softly as possible, to roll her over to not only free up my arm and stop the CO2 release party going onto my face, but to also try to get a little bit of room to move around. She won’t budge. I push harder. Still to no avail. Fuck…

I give her one hard shove, cursing under my breath, and her eyes open. I immediately stop and my cheeks redden. I feel like a boy whose mom just walked in on him digitally relieving his membrane. I hope she doesn’t know I was sort of pushing her away from me. She licks her lips and removes the drool string which was hanging from her upper lip. Her warm eyes gaze into my own for a minute, and I realize she has no idea what has been happening. Her mouth slowly opens as she yawns, I wait for the words which I know are coming,

“I love falling asleep with you, I feel so peaceful.” Her half open eyes reassure her statement. She looks pretty with the drool cleaned off. “Does snuggling make you feel this good too?”

My arm which has lost all feeling by now screams to my mind. My face which has began to sweat due to the heat radiated off of her breath falls down my brow. Half of my body hangs off the bed and it’s like doing a sit-up trying to keep from falling off. Ohhh yeah, I feel SO wonderful.

“Yeah, it’s really nice being here with you.” I decide to dance around her question. I figure she won’t notice because she just woke up.

“What’s it make you feel like, Travis?” I sit as my mind races through adjectives to describe the way “snuggling” makes me feel. Uncomfortable, crammed, numb, gay, hot, lazy, gay, and slightly homosexual.

“Oh, it makes me feel just wonderful, babe.” I look into her eyes and give her a smile of dramatic irony as I watch her head move back a few inches directly over the drool she left behind. “Just wonderful, babe.”

“Let’s play Mario Kart!” I look toward the face of the girl I’ve been talking to for only 3 days now, and somehow it feels like more.

“Okay.” I smile as soon as I look into her chestnut eyes. I imagine God himself searching for the most beautiful wood ever created, a dark, deep shade of brown with streaks of lighter grain spread across it. He huddles over the wood with a knife, each stroke meticulously devoted to perfection. He blends it with a gem in order to radiate the glossy overshadow which gives the eye its powerful depth.

Time itself appears to be destroyed, one of the five dimensions of our world simply crumbles in her presence. It feels as if life was put on pause for just a moment and before I realized it I looked toward the clock and an hour had passed. The past hour had sped by so quickly, everything a hazy recollection of time shrouded in fog. We turned off the game and put on Myth Busters, but the show was not what interested me. I looked toward the clock and for the first time in my life, I felt such strong abhorrence for something uncontrollable. I hated time. It is time which compressed the hours we had together into seconds.

I remember very little up to this point, simply images from the night. I remember how simply beautiful she looked- a black dress which had little black bows, black tights, and leopard print slippers. I remember thinking of her as one of those girls you always want, but know you are not good enough for. I can recall with clarity my wishes to be good enough, even for only a moment, because for that moment I would have everything I’ve ever wanted in this life. And lastly, I remember being overwhelmed by melancholy feelings as I saw it was time for her to leave me. I could feel the sad, familiar loneliness of life creeping toward me once again. The fog began to blow away and clarity replaced the unclear.

“Can I have a piggy back ride? I don’t think my slippers will do so well in the snow…” She giggled a little and I saw her cheeks flush. The flush served almost as an invitation, an understanding that she wanted a piggy back ride for deeper, fuller reasons than slippers. I nodded, there was a tacit acceptance between the two of us, each of us trying to be closer than we were to the only person we wanted in the world.

She climbed onto my back, and I noticed the butterflies which were threatening to break through my stomach. I’m uncertain if they were there earlier, or if her touch is what evoked their presence. The night air was cold as it rushed down my throat, but with her touch on my skin, strangely, I felt warm. I knew I should be cold, but I wasn’t. It felt as if we were lying next to a fire, her body close to mine and our eyes gazing into one another. I soon learned that there is no cold around her, only warmth.

The sky was perfectly clear with stars giving light to the black, depth to the empty, and beauty to the darkness. I remember thinking that the stars even shine brighter while floating in the air above her. Everything seems more beautiful, more alive, and even more real in the presence of pure beauty.

We sat in her car using the cold as an excuse to be close. Decadence shot through my body as I felt her skin against mine. My lips were close to her face, she opened up her body, begging me to kiss her. The blood in my veins rose in temperature, heat was shot throughout my body. My cheeks flushed, my hands began to shake, and I pulled away.

“Goodnight.” I said as I got out of her door. I walked around to the driver side door and opened it to give her a final hug goodbye. I was strong. It takes the strongest of hearts to refuse a chance with perfection, to pull away from a longing so overwhelming that it becomes an ultimatum. I needed to be strong. If I didn’t kiss her, maybe I’d be different. Maybe that difference would be enough to keep her wanting me.

I opened her door and looked into her eyes. She gave me a look I will never forget, her mind probing through my body like a needle, breaking the defenses surrounding my heart like a rock shatters glass. I leaned forward and felt my lips pressed against hers. “This is where they belong.” I thought to myself. For the first time in my life, I was connected with something which belonged in the heavens rather than this corrupt and imperfect place of society. A diamond in the rough; an angel among mortals. I felt as if our hearts beat together,our bodies were one rather than two, and our souls were intertwined. A connectedness with another I have never felt in my life.

“Goodnight,” my voice was weak and my body felt as if it were about to collapse. The second our lips lost contact I felt a wistful desire to be connected once again. A never ending nostalgia which has taken me over ever since. It was all I wanted. It is all I will ever want. Her car left and I looked toward the sky, thanking God for creating a girl so perfect for me.

“That was a fun night, T-Dawg!” The lowered tone of his voice sends vibrations throughout the night air. I look toward my friend who is a few inches taller and a hundred pounds thicker. “Yeah, it was a solid night.” I avert my gaze and stare at the ice on the side of the street. My skis are resting on my shoulder and the binding is pressing hard against it; I try to ignore the pain. The smell of smoke from the surrounding chimneys seeps through my nostrils. My new ski pants are swishing against one another with each step. The muscles inside of my legs are throbbing and every step I take leaves my shins aching, 12 hours of skiing is enough to leave me shakey legged.

There are parked cars 5 feet to left and my right, we’re walking in the middle in order to avoid slipping and hitting a car with our skis. I hear a car behind me, glance back, and step out of the way. It passes by as I enjoy the night air. The stars are plentiful and the cold refreshes the night like a burning rinse with highly minted mouth wash.

Once again I hear a car and begin to step to the side, slowly glancing back to see which car can emit such a loud rev. The wind blows slightly against my cheeks, I shiver slightly. I look up to see a truck, ‘88 Bronco directly behind me, his engine cranked as he flies through the parking lot between cars which are easily $20,000 more expensive than his own. The car gains distance with each moment as I slowly begin to move out of the way. The car makes no move to slow down, it gets closer and closer till I can smell the oil which is leaking from his engine. I feel fear plunge through my veins like a fire is blown through the metal ring of a blow-torch. I try to leap out of the way but instead feel a strong blow to the left side of my body.

The truck connects with the left side of my body and the mirror clips my arm which is holding my skis. I listen in horror as the skis go crashing to the ground and I feel my body begin to tense up in pain. The car’s tires quickly stop and I hear a door open on the other side. Every inch of the left side of my body aches from the contact, I can feel my heartbeat through my shoulder as it beats in perfect succession to remind me of how much pain I am in. The quick pitter patter of footsteps come around the backside of the car. I see a man, six foot, 200 pounds, red facial hair with darker head hair. His footsteps echo across the nearly empty parking lot as he gazes in fear. His voice peirces the night, like a Vulcher’s battle cries erupting in the desert as it sweeps around its next kill. “What the fuck are you doing touching my car?!” His voice leaves no room for an answer, and before I know I feel a fist connect with my right jaw. I roll my head to avoid too much contact but it throbs immediately and I can feel the blood from my body quickly rushing to that spot. What the fuck is going on?  I think to myself.