My Life

I wish I could leave everything I know and never come back. Fear paralyzes, pain kills. I can’t move as I feel a deadly serum seeping through my blood. Every movement hurts, every thought plunges me deeper into the darkness. Where is my light?

Why is love so closely related with pain? Is life truly this miserable, or is it simply what I’ve turned it into. But alas, I find my chance at happiness, and I feel as if the foundations are crumbling beneath my feet. I feel so unstable. One moment I’m ecstatic, the next in tears; what the fuck is wrong with me?

I never want to be a secret again. I never want to be the boy on the side. I never want to be lied to. Most of all, I never want to be hurt. Why are these things too much to ask for? Do I bring it on myself, or is life truly just this unbearable?

An Elliot Smith CD playing in my ear, blankets tightly wrapped around the skeleton of my body, and I feel fear. The undeniable creature which plagues each of our minds, eating away at everything else until it takes over. I want her to come back, I don’t want it to take over. I think to myself that I’m being too personal, that no one will understand what I am saying, but the more I think the more my thoughts differ. Maybe I’m not the only one… Maybe, just maybe, everyone feels this way.

I gaze into her hazelnut eyes, a moment in time where everything else, the noise, the problems, the world, are turned into dust and forced to float off into the oblivion much like pollen drifts away in the wind. Words cannot be found and the feeling cannot be defined for perfection is tainted by this imperfect language. Nothing in this world can even brush upon the depth, the power, or the intensity of such a moment. Two people combined into one soul working together as an individual rather than separate entities, and working for nothing but pure bliss.

The word “love” lingers in the air and dances throughout my eardrums. I feel my body shake as it is sent through pure ecstasy; not pleasure, nor lust, but total and complete ecstasy. I feel as my mind withstands a transformation, my past, my regrets, my pain all become nothing more than prior experiences with no true importance. It is forgotten and forgiven. Nothing else matters but now, but this, but her…

The tide of an ocean washes in and carries off the shells which have been beached in my sand for too long. I watch in my mind as they are swept away past the white wash and crashing waves, never to be seen again. The ebb and flow of the water casts out a euphoric tone, the repetition and constancy harmonize with the surrounding universe as it is carried on through the abyss.

A quiet “I love you” encircles our bodies and carries away my soul. For a moment in time, all is right in the world. I’ve never felt so in love.

Our first day together, a night of text, and then there is now. I look toward her and feel my stomach tighten while a smile rolls across my lips. I could look at her forever.

Why do I fall so hard so quickly? I don’t want to be let down again, I don’t want my grasp of perfection to crumble into dust as my clenched hands hold on with all of my power, and I want her to fall for me too. My heart picks itself up inside my chest. It pretends to be captain of this submarine we call a body. I feel it using my eyes as a ___, while it hides from the rest of the world, too far under for anyone to crush it. I think she’s the one who can bring me to the surface, pull me out from the depths of the ocean to once again see the world. My world has been covered with water for far too long.

I’ve fallen for so many before, but this feels like the first time. I feel my submarine cruising inches below the surface, waiting to land in her dock while her beauty serves as a lighthouse.

As childish as this is, I really like her… And I hope she likes me too.

Games

“It’s all a game,” She whispers in my ear. “If you don’t learn how to play, you’ll be destroyed.”

“But if it’s a game, it must have a name…” I wear my naivity like a tattoo, exposed and open for everyone and anyone to see. She’s a lump of blankets lying on my bed, a ball of passion and desire.

“The name is Love, and it’s not very hard to play. It’s as easy as walking, or for you, falling.

“”Sometimes falling can hurt.”

“Sometimes it doesn’t. Come find out…” Her sentence ends without an ending, a continuation which floats through my body leaving me wanting the rest.

“Last time I shot I backfired. Don’t let me backfire…” I lift up the white blanket and it feels soft beneath my hands, I feel her arms pull me toward her.

I don’t want fall….

Sometimes, just sometimes, I wanna be anyone but me.

The pen feels like a barbell between my fingers. An anchor falling from my mind, down through the air and clinging to the paper. I try to drag it along the lines but am unable to move; my proverbial sword in the stone.  They say it will move if you write what’s in your heart, what’s in mine?

Orchid, Orchid, Orchid, Orchid, Orchid, Orchid…

I feel my pen moving uncontrollably underneath the grasp of my fingers. Words which are hardly legible scrawled across the sheet of paper. Fear plunges through my veins and as I attempt to pull away I realize that I’m stuck. Orchid, Orchid, Orchid…

Obsession is the root to love; the only difference between the two is that obsession tends to be unrequited. She is my obsession, my heart’s heroine.

What’s the secret to letting go?

My pen stops moving; I glance down at a full sheet of paper.

My Orchid

She grows from the depth of the earth,

Her leafs beautifully stemming from

different parts of her base, each numb

and unfeeling, yet beautifully enrapturing.

Her ends blossom out and reach

toward the sun. Her blossom bright

as a gem, each leaf covered in a light

emerald outline. She clings to gems.

But the sun falls from the sky

and no longer feeds her soul.

Her stem strikes its final toll

On the Bell of Beauty. I watch

Her wilt with a crooked smile.

“Ewww!” The voice of a girl echoes throughout the hallway. Her voice sounds lower than most other girls, it leaves a bad feeling in my eardrum, sort of like those foods which linger in your mouth just a second too long.

I am tired. So tired of this. This feeling. This room. This place. This blog. Everything. It feels like my life is playing in re-runs. Some man sits on his chair, a warm beer in his hand, rewinding and rewatching the same shit over and over again, only in this show I am the lead. I’m so tired of acting.

I look down to the floor on my left, I see a gum wrapper sitting next to my roommates unmade bed. I look forward and see a battered pair of vans, both staring into me with bloodshot eyes, eyes which penetrate and shatter emotions. They are getting too old and too tirey as well.

What is it? Low dopamine levels? Melatonin? Broken heart? Or is just that maybe this is the way I’m supposed to feel? I watch as my fingers roll over the keyboard, each finger tapping in perfect succession, pressing down on the keys which have already been pressed over and over. I think the words which have already been thought. I listen to the music which has been playing for so long I’ve stopped listening. My hand moves toward a mouse and I click the “Post” button once again, just the same as the time before.

Sunlight

Thoughts and things running through

My head; some old, some new,

Some silly, some not, but one

is the sunlight of you.

The image dances, yet haunts me:

Roots planted deep in the soil, a tree

Growing, growing, growing. The seed

Bursts from the soil; forever it’s free.

“Freedom, freedom, freedom at last!

Oppression and pain are things of the past,

For now I’ve grown beyond the grasp

Of my roots.” I glance down at lengthy shadows cast

Over the grass. “My grass is greener than the grass

On the other side; my grass is greener than grass

On any side. My grass grows free, next to a tree,

In the sunlight of you.”

The conductor drives his train right of the track,

His train broke away, he never looked back.

No one likes to be held down.

The poets pen writes off the edge of his sheet,

His writing’s an oxymoron, sloppily neat.

No one always makes sense.

The chef prays to the sky, “I hope this tastes nice”

He adds his ingredients, sugar and spice,

No one wants to be imperfect.

The priest looks into the eyes of a 10yr old boy,

“Wanna go to heaven? Gotta play with my toy.”

No one likes to be lonely.

Distorted minds controlling identical bodies,

they step and walk and run and stop.

They lie and steal and cheat and stop,

Am I any different?

Empty minds occupying empty heads,

Their nothingness rests in the sheets of their beds,

They awake to fulfill a day which doesn’t need fulfilling;

Will we ever wake up?

They waste breath expressing ideas which should never be thought

They talk and talk as their minds slowly rot,

No problem spitting words at everyone else,

but do they ever listen? Do we ever listen?

With the economy disintegrating before our eyes, with global warming shifting our oceanic currents which could send us into an ice age, with people’s rights being taken away simply because they’re gay, with the first African-American president to be elected into the white house, the current situation in Mumbai, a war in Iraq, and with genocides in Africa, the American public chooses to read about this. As the author says, “The pepper has hit the fan.”

(CNN)

Guns N’ Roses became Guns N’ Roses N’ Lawyers this week. The band, which released its first album in 17 years last week, has
found itself in a legal tussle with soft drink giant Dr Pepper over a
promotion turned awry.

Dr Pepper rolled out a marketing campaign
in March promising a “free soda” to “everyone in America” on one
condition — Axl Rose, lead singer and frontman for Guns N’ Roses, had
to “finally release his 17-year-in-the-making belabored masterpiece,
‘Chinese Democracy,’ in 2008.”

Guns N’ Roses, often called GN’R
by its fans, released the album last week. And Dr Pepper followed
through, posting a coupon on its Web site for a can of soda. There was
one catch: fans had 24 hours to go the Web site and print out the
coupon.

That’s when the Pepper hit the fan.

So many GN’R fans — and, no doubt, fans of free stuff in general
– tried to get the coupon that they choked the site and it crashed.
Disgruntled and downright ticked off, some blamed the band.

“When you go on the blogs and you read the responses from the fans,
they associated Axl with this promotion … and blame him for the fact
that they didn’t get their free soda,” said GN’R lawyer Laurie Soriano.

That’s when GN’R became GN’RN’L. Soriano fired off a letter to Dr P. No one is LOL.

Her letter asked the soft drink company to make good on its offer. She has yet to hear back, Soriano said

“We’ve gone public with the fact that we are not involved but are trying to clean up the mess,” Soriano told CNN.

Dr Pepper told CNN it had “taken great steps” to keep up its end of the
bargain. It said it extended the window for the giveaway from 24 to 42
hours, added a toll-free line to handle consumer requests for the
coupons and set up an interactive voice recorder to accept coupon
requests. None of those measures are still in effect.

“Additionally,” the company said in a written statement, “for those who
contacted us in the week after the giveaway about difficulties
requesting the coupon, we continued to offer free coupons to address
any problems they may have encountered.”

That may be so, but the band still wants an apology.

“The door to a lawsuit being filed is always open until the fans are
taken care of and Dr Pepper has done the right thing,” Soriano told CNN.

The band may have other concerns. “Chinese Democracy” received mixed
notices upon its release, and some bloggers are blaming Axl Rose for
the new album’s reception.

“The album was beaten to the top of
the UK charts by The Killers’ ‘Day And Age’ on Sunday,” the British
music news site NME.com said Tuesday in a segment labeled Today’s Top
Gossip. “Sources have said that record bosses are fuming because Rose
has been AWOL for the last two months — meaning he hasn’t done any
promotional work for the album.”

And an official Chinese Communist
Party newspaper was widely reported as describing “Chinese Democracy”
as a “venomous attack” on China, accusing the band of turning “its
spear point on China.”

As Rose once sang, “Welcome to the jungle. It gets worse here every day.”