Oct 31 2008
The First
Alternate perspective,it needs a LOT of reworking, but it’s 4 in the morning, give me a break. I’ll work on it later… But first, I wanna say something…
If you’re reading this, there’s a note for you at the end of this.
Distance
I watch as my fingers dart to the numbers of my cell phone; 4,#,6,3,3,3,#,1,3,8,4,2,3. #9,6,8,#3,7,3,3? I n-e-e-d a-d-v-i-c-e. Y-o-u f-r-e-e-? Send. I can hardly believe how much of an instinct it is. I barely think about it.
Send to: Travis
I really do miss him. I wish things weren’t so one sided with him. If I don’t start a conversation, we don’t talk. He doesn’t call when he says he will, and I wish I knew why. He says it’s my boyfriend, but I don’t believe him. He thinks I don’t understand him, but I do, at least more than he gives me credit for.
I take a few steps toward my car, I glance back at the building I work. How did I end up here? Dealing with a boss I don’t like, it’s always so busy… At least for another couple of days. I’m already tired of this routine.
*Beep*
I open up my phone.
1 New Text Message From Travis.
I smile. I’m here for you always, dear. What do you need?
I smile as the word dear runs through my mind. He sounds like an old man. I don’t understand our relationship. We’ve never been that close, but somehow I always feel as if he’s right around the corner, waiting for me to walk over to him so he can sweep me off my feet. There’s always been something different. Something special. What is it?
I cycle through my contacts until I reach his name. I pause for a minute. Not yet, I don’t think I can talk to him.
He’s so sweet. It’s so weird to see what the shy kid I had such a big crush on so many years ago evolved into. He’s so much stronger now, more confident. I feel like I could be so happy with him, but I’m too afraid to leave…
I see myself in the mirror. Why do I look so unhappy?
I love him, I really do. There’s just been something missing for so long. Something always feels not quite right with him. I know that I need to end things, but I’m too scared. To end things would mean I am alone. At least with him I know what to expect, there is safety in that. There is no comfort in loneliness, in uncertainty, in chance. I want to take the chance, but I don’t. I don’t wanna fuck up the things I have in my life right now for the things I want but might never get.
I look around the parking lot. Where the fuck am I? I wonder if I made the wrong decision to come here. If I stayed so I can cling onto my past rather than plunging myself into the big unknown. Could I handle it? Why do we have to move on…
I wonder what I would do if Travis lived here. I’m almost scared to think about it. I would have to be with one, and it would hurt the other. I want them both. I couldn’t imagine hurting either of them. One which is an unknown mystery, full of unreasoned passion and past bonds, the other a constant, a feeling of safety and certainty. There’s something missing with him, but would there be something missing with Travis?
I glance down at my phone, the screen has turned black because I have let it sit on the same screen for too long. I already know what he’s going to tell me. Maybe I just want to hear him say it, a source of reassurance maybe. It’s nice to know if things go wrong here, I can always fall back on him. I hate saying it, but it’s the truth.
I look as someone walks out of the store. They stumble a bit as their foot gets stuck in a crack on the sidewalk, I smile to myself.
I wonder what Travis would say if I decided to move up to San Francisco. I’m not really considering it, but I wonder. It’s so hard with us to have anything serious at a distance, but could things be as perfect as I think they could in person? It feels like he’s in my mind at times, he knows exactly what I want to hear, exactly how I feel. He thinks he knows more than he does, though. There are aspects to my mind he will never know.
The phone vibrates again, then again.
2 New Text Messages. 1 From Boyfriend. 1 From Travis.
I open the message from Travis first, almost as instinct. I wonder why I did that. I smile as I begin to read what he wrote…
I guess you got held up or something. I just wanted to let you know that I love you and I hope everything is okay. I’m here for you always. If you need to talk just let me know.
I smile. I know what I want, I just wish I wasn’t too scared to go for it…
